Hey all,

Once again, it has been a while. I should post in smaller intervals, but I guess it gives me some time to accumulate thoughts.

Well, I've been ohkay I guess. You know how it is; go to school, come home, study, listen and play some music and sleep. But it's leaving a little gap somewhere, like a little crack in the surface. I have no idea what it is, but it's lingering presence is daunting.

It's so hard to put it into words. I get the feeling it may just be my imagination once again, because that really leads me into some weird places.

There's some things I'm not willing to accept. It's not like I'm unhappy, I'm a pretty cheery guy, as most of you should know, but I guess, rather, it's like a little thing on my shoulders.

Lingering.

Right now, I'm listening to some really nice jazz, in a quiet melancholy, I'm guessing my parents went to sleep, because I can't hear much else.

We create this little sphere for our own lives don't we? Us teenagers.

The only thing that matters, right now, is us, we are the center of the universe.

We know everything.

Blank pages, waiting to be written.

I guess this feeling comes from the waiting.

It's a little snickering thing isn't it? Life I mean. It has it's only little path for you, its quite a niche thing. I love it. I love the uncertainty. It's exhilarating.

But I guess it could be broken up into three little actions.

You got your destination eh? Lets call it the cause, scrap that let's call it the reason.

Then you got your path, to the reason.

After all of this, you have your way of seeing the path and destination, your take on things, your view, your perception.

Let's call this the reaction, okay?

These three sections, are often really scattered, I feel, not everyone grasps all three factors firmly, some not having any reason but having the path and too much reaction. Some having the reason no path and little reaction, blinded by the reason.

The craziest thing, I feel quite comfortable, treading on this little fate, leaving a trail.

But then there is my reaction, it's not completely satisfied sometimes. As much as I hate that small emptiness, I am completely loving the search, really savoring it.

Ah, man.

Deceptive little thing.

"Maybe I'll just fall in love, that could solve it all, philosophers say that's not enough. There must be more. But I'm still having fun, and thats the key."

-Shazz, loving every second.

well, wow. Its been ages since I last posted eh?

here I am now.

Holidays.

Hm.

I guess its rolling down now, coming down to the last couple of days where I shall start singing those Back to School Blues.

But anyway, it's been a good couple of weeks.

After such a hectic and tough first semester of crazy and robust studying, I really needed the break. I really felt like I did give it all I had.

I was tired.

I needed rest.

I needed to live again.

I needed to confirm my existence again.

Epic, I know.

As epic as it seems, I think I fulfilled these elaborate tasks by simple things.

For once, just doing nothing, felt like doing so much.

Hours of just lying around the house with my Guitars, making music, scrapping the piece that I worked on for the last 4 hours and starting all over again.
I love that I have that freedom with my music. I never feel bound. Maybe I'll talk about that another day.

Another thing that I did alot over these holidays is jam.

Oh Jamming for the first time after ages is like almost as good as the first time having sex all over again. Not that I know how that feels but I imagine a similar part of my mind is used for sexual pleasure that's used for my musical side.

ANAYWAYYS.

Jams with the guys are so laid back. It starts about at 7 o clock at night.

I get the call:

"Hey Banu man, Jam my place in half an hour."

We get there, and just talk for the first couple of hours.

Feel the room.
Feel the vibe.

The stuff we talk about is not what we would normally talk about. Just the fact that we are going to be making some music later on, I don't know what it does but it motivates us to think and express things we normally wouldn't. I mean yeah, after all they are your mates but for once, you don't make jokes.

We talk about everything, from life to death, from friends to family.

and most importantly, music.

After this little stage I guess, we strap up, plug in and start.

And when it comes down to it.

Sometime you feel it in the room.

and Sometimes you just don't.

Thats the hardest thing to accept, that you are not going to feel it every time.

Boy I wish I could.

"What is feeling it you ask?"

"OH PLEASE TELL US BANU-CHAN!"

Well, basically it's like making love with music. I don't even know if its that, but I do feel something.

I think I'll explore this in more depth another day, but Hendrix summarized it nicely when he sang:

"Feeling sweet feeling,

Drops my fingers, fingers,

Music sweet music,

I wish I could caress and kiss you,"

Great song by the way.

But yeah. This holidays, I felt it.

Felt it like a hoe feels the money.

Felt it like virgin, cutting it for the very first time.

Felt it like a mammal, cus' baby lets do it like they do on the discovery channel.

After this, we sleep, often in the same bed, which isn't weird or anything.

Seriously it isn't.

People you play music with, know you better than most.

I know, I don't usually think of my jams with the guys in such depth, I mean it is really a laid back thing. And it comprises of a lot of sleeping, useless chord progression, hopeless attempts at writing songs and us just putting down the guitars and bass, and just talking again.

All in all, it's a really satisfying feeling.

And just getting a chance to with the guys many times this holidays was really fulfilling.

Call me a hopeless man, for believing in such things.

But I'd rather be a hopeless man who believes in life,

than a cold realist who lives in fear and anger.

"All I'm going to do is just go on and do what I feel."

Jimi Hendrix.

Over and out,

-Shazz.