Friday, well was an interesting day.

Really, really confusing, but rather confronting.

Winter.

Oh I love this season. It has this weird effect on me. I think more, about everything.

It's really weird. I chuck on my scarf on in the morning, throw on a warm coat, grab my umbrella and put on my headphones.

It gives me a chance to recollect, about everything. From A to Z. As much as I hate it when I overthink things, this time, I needed to.

On Friday, I finally grew up.

Well all these years, I get this weird sensation. I don't know if it happens with others, but even it is only for a few seconds, it's like a massive whack in the face.

For those few seconds that it happens, I feel like I completely leave my consciousness, and re-assess my life from the outside looking in. Its like I lose my own identity for a couple of minutes.

bizarre.

Before you take your g-string and sell yourself to a smoking pig with a strangely sexual hat, I should probably tell you this feeling isn't as epic as it seems. I bet if you tried hard enough, you would able to see it too.

Some times I have to mentally tell myself to stop and drift back into reality. I never really induldged in the feeling. It's one of melancholy and almost like I've lived for so much longer than I have. Usually, this feeling left me confused and upset. But yesterday, I think it formed a new person all together. I started to see and accept who I was looking at and thinking in.

If that makes any sense. You know how sometimes you think and you tell yourself,

"Dude, its wrong to feel like this, you should feel like this."

or

"Why the hell did I just think that? I shouldn't be thinking about that."

well, I always thought those sub-conscious thoughts which are not sub-conscious at all just happen, maybe just come and go.

But on Friday, the weirdest thing happened.

I accepted them.

I accepted that I, myself, think that way.

I accepted the thoughts I have as my own.

It's like I'm not ashamed of thinking freely anymore. I can pursue any trail of thought as I desire.

I don't exactly know where this comes into growing up but rather I could say I am growing strong.

Strong in the sense that I have the ability to think something and not reject the thought out of emotion, in the sense that I can take what I think.

This whole thing could be some random infatuation, in a plea to understand myself, but fingers crossed it isn't.

"I like these cold, grey winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood."

- Bill Waterson

-Shazz.

Its been a while, diary.

but alot has happened over the last few days.

I don't really want to dwell on what happened but it's been tough. Ofcourse I could go on about my sadness and melancholy but who wants to hear me whining eh?

but all in all, I've realised something over the last couple of days.

I have some really good friends.

Like incredible friends.

The band, are just so good to me. I don't know, but there lies a certain utopia in old friends. Whenever I meet them, I feel as if I'm home. They know all there is to know about me and probably things I don't even know about myself. Just the fact that they are always there for me, is overwhelming. When I'm jamming with the guys, I'm in my niche, I truly am who I claim to be. It's like so satisfying, I don't feel anything else but the music and the presence of the people I love in the room. Everything else is non-existent.

We've been through alot, but we always manage to pull through at the end. I love you guys, this is my thanks. To all those nights that I just needed someone to talk to, or just needed someone to share my silence with, thankyou.

Thanks to Tan, for always listening to me, and I mean really listening, you're probably one of the people I can truly say anything to. Our midnight jams and our early morning calls, bring me back to the real world.

Thanks to Simon, who can always cheer me up, no matter what the situation is, I love you to bits man, sometimes I feel as if we're growing apart, but you prove me wrong everytime. I've known you for a while, and today man, you're still on of those people that really share the same passion for music as me.

Thanks to Georgia, for caring. After these years, you've got to know me so well, you've listened to absolutely everything I have to say, and even though I don't see you much anymore, I know you're one of my closest friends.

Thanks to Hai, who's personality always lightens my mood. You're just so easy to be with, and you can just tell when somethings up with me. I remember last year, I was in a piss bad mood, and you came up to me and asked me what was wrong. Hai, you can read me like a book, never change.

Thanks to Hannah, who isn't in the band. You are just so awesome. How can you be so awesome? Seriously, your personality, is like no-one else's. I can trust you with anything and everything. You are there for me forever and always. Please don't change, no matter what people say. Our conversations are exactly what I need.

You lot share with me, possibly one of the most important things in my life. Music.

I mean it.

My new friends, at JMSS are some of the most caring people I will ever meet. Gosh, even though I do keep to myself quite a bit, I find my self sharing things with people that I never thought would understand. You guys offer help when it's needed and thats so important.

Thanks to Damo, even though we've been through a lot this year, you're still like my brother man. I never thought we would get so tight. It's almost like we share a mutual mind, you know exactly whats happening with me, all the time, it's kind of scary.

Thanks to Eddy, for sharing his thoughts with me. You are one of the most insightful people, you always know what I need to do. Our talks about things as far fetched as the fate of humanity to the bathrobe your dad wears makes me feel like you truly understand my depth (or shallowness.) You're one of the only people whom I share the same level of thought with.

Thanks to Hafiz, you're like the most invigorating person I know. You've been through fuckloads this year, you've grown so much. Every time I see you man, my mood is lifted subliminally. You make me feel right, all the time. I'm pretty sure everyone is convinced we are downright gay together, but I don't find it weird at all when you decide to shout out "I LOVE YOU!" From the other side of the building.

Thanks guys, really.

I could keep going on and on, about some of my greatest friends, but that would take forever.

So I'll keep it down to the people who have been there for me, for the last couple of weeks. I hope one day I will be able to be there for you guys, like you have been there for me.

You make it all worth it. All of it.

"You know its nothing new, bad news never had good timing.
Then, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining."

- Shazz