As always, I'll introduce by saying that it's been a while. I think I have already explained why its always 'a while' when it comes to me.

It's been a tough couple of weeks, lots of assignments and SACs, so haven't really got the time to really vent out my thoughts. In saying that, it hasn't been a bad couple of weeks, its been alright. Well, it was just basically a blur of homework.

Right now, I feel like really grounded. I had a shower and I decided to go through all the old photographs that take refuge in my living room while listening to some blues. It just feels good to look out to old photos. It provides a snapshot into how life was then, and you can really see how much you've grown, how much you miss your cousins and how much you miss those days. Sometimes its really overwhelming.

Humans have a tendency to look into their past. I mean, where-ever you are in life, if you are 10 years old, or 83, looking back on whats been always deems a task of recollection, of remembering those lost memories.

Don't think of me as some old guy, at the end of his life looking back on whats been, but it feels right to think about yourself.

Thinking about yourself is the only way we really confirm our identity, I think it's safe to say I'm in the process of still figuring it out, probably why adolescence is such an interesting time, so looking back on photos helps me remember forgotten stories that are pretty significant to me.

It's kind of really important to remember where you come from and how you got to the point where you sit now, photographs in that way help contrast.

When I look at my photos, it's really hard to believe that I'm looking at a little child who is me, or who was me, 8 or 10 years ago. Or when looking back on parties with my friends, it's alarming to see how much have changed or grown apart or even stayed the same. It's really important to remember others, as they would have changed you, maybe in a really small way, but your experiences shape who you are.

Next time you get to sit down with some old photo albums, take it, you'll find that you'll learn more about your parents, your family, your crazy uncle and in the end, more about yourself.

'It's just another story caught up in another photograph I found.
And it seems like another person lived that life a great many years ago from now,' - Jamie Cullum

-Banu

Hey all,

Once again, it has been a while. I should post in smaller intervals, but I guess it gives me some time to accumulate thoughts.

Well, I've been ohkay I guess. You know how it is; go to school, come home, study, listen and play some music and sleep. But it's leaving a little gap somewhere, like a little crack in the surface. I have no idea what it is, but it's lingering presence is daunting.

It's so hard to put it into words. I get the feeling it may just be my imagination once again, because that really leads me into some weird places.

There's some things I'm not willing to accept. It's not like I'm unhappy, I'm a pretty cheery guy, as most of you should know, but I guess, rather, it's like a little thing on my shoulders.

Lingering.

Right now, I'm listening to some really nice jazz, in a quiet melancholy, I'm guessing my parents went to sleep, because I can't hear much else.

We create this little sphere for our own lives don't we? Us teenagers.

The only thing that matters, right now, is us, we are the center of the universe.

We know everything.

Blank pages, waiting to be written.

I guess this feeling comes from the waiting.

It's a little snickering thing isn't it? Life I mean. It has it's only little path for you, its quite a niche thing. I love it. I love the uncertainty. It's exhilarating.

But I guess it could be broken up into three little actions.

You got your destination eh? Lets call it the cause, scrap that let's call it the reason.

Then you got your path, to the reason.

After all of this, you have your way of seeing the path and destination, your take on things, your view, your perception.

Let's call this the reaction, okay?

These three sections, are often really scattered, I feel, not everyone grasps all three factors firmly, some not having any reason but having the path and too much reaction. Some having the reason no path and little reaction, blinded by the reason.

The craziest thing, I feel quite comfortable, treading on this little fate, leaving a trail.

But then there is my reaction, it's not completely satisfied sometimes. As much as I hate that small emptiness, I am completely loving the search, really savoring it.

Ah, man.

Deceptive little thing.

"Maybe I'll just fall in love, that could solve it all, philosophers say that's not enough. There must be more. But I'm still having fun, and thats the key."

-Shazz, loving every second.

well, wow. Its been ages since I last posted eh?

here I am now.

Holidays.

Hm.

I guess its rolling down now, coming down to the last couple of days where I shall start singing those Back to School Blues.

But anyway, it's been a good couple of weeks.

After such a hectic and tough first semester of crazy and robust studying, I really needed the break. I really felt like I did give it all I had.

I was tired.

I needed rest.

I needed to live again.

I needed to confirm my existence again.

Epic, I know.

As epic as it seems, I think I fulfilled these elaborate tasks by simple things.

For once, just doing nothing, felt like doing so much.

Hours of just lying around the house with my Guitars, making music, scrapping the piece that I worked on for the last 4 hours and starting all over again.
I love that I have that freedom with my music. I never feel bound. Maybe I'll talk about that another day.

Another thing that I did alot over these holidays is jam.

Oh Jamming for the first time after ages is like almost as good as the first time having sex all over again. Not that I know how that feels but I imagine a similar part of my mind is used for sexual pleasure that's used for my musical side.

ANAYWAYYS.

Jams with the guys are so laid back. It starts about at 7 o clock at night.

I get the call:

"Hey Banu man, Jam my place in half an hour."

We get there, and just talk for the first couple of hours.

Feel the room.
Feel the vibe.

The stuff we talk about is not what we would normally talk about. Just the fact that we are going to be making some music later on, I don't know what it does but it motivates us to think and express things we normally wouldn't. I mean yeah, after all they are your mates but for once, you don't make jokes.

We talk about everything, from life to death, from friends to family.

and most importantly, music.

After this little stage I guess, we strap up, plug in and start.

And when it comes down to it.

Sometime you feel it in the room.

and Sometimes you just don't.

Thats the hardest thing to accept, that you are not going to feel it every time.

Boy I wish I could.

"What is feeling it you ask?"

"OH PLEASE TELL US BANU-CHAN!"

Well, basically it's like making love with music. I don't even know if its that, but I do feel something.

I think I'll explore this in more depth another day, but Hendrix summarized it nicely when he sang:

"Feeling sweet feeling,

Drops my fingers, fingers,

Music sweet music,

I wish I could caress and kiss you,"

Great song by the way.

But yeah. This holidays, I felt it.

Felt it like a hoe feels the money.

Felt it like virgin, cutting it for the very first time.

Felt it like a mammal, cus' baby lets do it like they do on the discovery channel.

After this, we sleep, often in the same bed, which isn't weird or anything.

Seriously it isn't.

People you play music with, know you better than most.

I know, I don't usually think of my jams with the guys in such depth, I mean it is really a laid back thing. And it comprises of a lot of sleeping, useless chord progression, hopeless attempts at writing songs and us just putting down the guitars and bass, and just talking again.

All in all, it's a really satisfying feeling.

And just getting a chance to with the guys many times this holidays was really fulfilling.

Call me a hopeless man, for believing in such things.

But I'd rather be a hopeless man who believes in life,

than a cold realist who lives in fear and anger.

"All I'm going to do is just go on and do what I feel."

Jimi Hendrix.

Over and out,

-Shazz.

Friday, well was an interesting day.

Really, really confusing, but rather confronting.

Winter.

Oh I love this season. It has this weird effect on me. I think more, about everything.

It's really weird. I chuck on my scarf on in the morning, throw on a warm coat, grab my umbrella and put on my headphones.

It gives me a chance to recollect, about everything. From A to Z. As much as I hate it when I overthink things, this time, I needed to.

On Friday, I finally grew up.

Well all these years, I get this weird sensation. I don't know if it happens with others, but even it is only for a few seconds, it's like a massive whack in the face.

For those few seconds that it happens, I feel like I completely leave my consciousness, and re-assess my life from the outside looking in. Its like I lose my own identity for a couple of minutes.

bizarre.

Before you take your g-string and sell yourself to a smoking pig with a strangely sexual hat, I should probably tell you this feeling isn't as epic as it seems. I bet if you tried hard enough, you would able to see it too.

Some times I have to mentally tell myself to stop and drift back into reality. I never really induldged in the feeling. It's one of melancholy and almost like I've lived for so much longer than I have. Usually, this feeling left me confused and upset. But yesterday, I think it formed a new person all together. I started to see and accept who I was looking at and thinking in.

If that makes any sense. You know how sometimes you think and you tell yourself,

"Dude, its wrong to feel like this, you should feel like this."

or

"Why the hell did I just think that? I shouldn't be thinking about that."

well, I always thought those sub-conscious thoughts which are not sub-conscious at all just happen, maybe just come and go.

But on Friday, the weirdest thing happened.

I accepted them.

I accepted that I, myself, think that way.

I accepted the thoughts I have as my own.

It's like I'm not ashamed of thinking freely anymore. I can pursue any trail of thought as I desire.

I don't exactly know where this comes into growing up but rather I could say I am growing strong.

Strong in the sense that I have the ability to think something and not reject the thought out of emotion, in the sense that I can take what I think.

This whole thing could be some random infatuation, in a plea to understand myself, but fingers crossed it isn't.

"I like these cold, grey winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood."

- Bill Waterson

-Shazz.

Its been a while, diary.

but alot has happened over the last few days.

I don't really want to dwell on what happened but it's been tough. Ofcourse I could go on about my sadness and melancholy but who wants to hear me whining eh?

but all in all, I've realised something over the last couple of days.

I have some really good friends.

Like incredible friends.

The band, are just so good to me. I don't know, but there lies a certain utopia in old friends. Whenever I meet them, I feel as if I'm home. They know all there is to know about me and probably things I don't even know about myself. Just the fact that they are always there for me, is overwhelming. When I'm jamming with the guys, I'm in my niche, I truly am who I claim to be. It's like so satisfying, I don't feel anything else but the music and the presence of the people I love in the room. Everything else is non-existent.

We've been through alot, but we always manage to pull through at the end. I love you guys, this is my thanks. To all those nights that I just needed someone to talk to, or just needed someone to share my silence with, thankyou.

Thanks to Tan, for always listening to me, and I mean really listening, you're probably one of the people I can truly say anything to. Our midnight jams and our early morning calls, bring me back to the real world.

Thanks to Simon, who can always cheer me up, no matter what the situation is, I love you to bits man, sometimes I feel as if we're growing apart, but you prove me wrong everytime. I've known you for a while, and today man, you're still on of those people that really share the same passion for music as me.

Thanks to Georgia, for caring. After these years, you've got to know me so well, you've listened to absolutely everything I have to say, and even though I don't see you much anymore, I know you're one of my closest friends.

Thanks to Hai, who's personality always lightens my mood. You're just so easy to be with, and you can just tell when somethings up with me. I remember last year, I was in a piss bad mood, and you came up to me and asked me what was wrong. Hai, you can read me like a book, never change.

Thanks to Hannah, who isn't in the band. You are just so awesome. How can you be so awesome? Seriously, your personality, is like no-one else's. I can trust you with anything and everything. You are there for me forever and always. Please don't change, no matter what people say. Our conversations are exactly what I need.

You lot share with me, possibly one of the most important things in my life. Music.

I mean it.

My new friends, at JMSS are some of the most caring people I will ever meet. Gosh, even though I do keep to myself quite a bit, I find my self sharing things with people that I never thought would understand. You guys offer help when it's needed and thats so important.

Thanks to Damo, even though we've been through a lot this year, you're still like my brother man. I never thought we would get so tight. It's almost like we share a mutual mind, you know exactly whats happening with me, all the time, it's kind of scary.

Thanks to Eddy, for sharing his thoughts with me. You are one of the most insightful people, you always know what I need to do. Our talks about things as far fetched as the fate of humanity to the bathrobe your dad wears makes me feel like you truly understand my depth (or shallowness.) You're one of the only people whom I share the same level of thought with.

Thanks to Hafiz, you're like the most invigorating person I know. You've been through fuckloads this year, you've grown so much. Every time I see you man, my mood is lifted subliminally. You make me feel right, all the time. I'm pretty sure everyone is convinced we are downright gay together, but I don't find it weird at all when you decide to shout out "I LOVE YOU!" From the other side of the building.

Thanks guys, really.

I could keep going on and on, about some of my greatest friends, but that would take forever.

So I'll keep it down to the people who have been there for me, for the last couple of weeks. I hope one day I will be able to be there for you guys, like you have been there for me.

You make it all worth it. All of it.

"You know its nothing new, bad news never had good timing.
Then, the circle of your friends will defend the silver lining."

- Shazz