yo!

I'm just going to get right stuck into it.

It's only been 4 months and already this year has been fucking crazy.

Everyone is moving, in someway, doing things differently, feeling different, being different. I guess I just can't keep up. It's all a massive overload for me, so goddamn overwhelming. I guess over anything, things have happened this year that will change the state of something, never to return to the state it was before.

I'm not sure but whenever things that are so apparently life-changing I always seem to just sit here and say really?

I think I just don't understand the whole as big as life kind of thing. It's probably because none of it really is. Sometimes I feel as if I should take things more serious than I do because may be I could understand some of what people are going through, but I simply can't. It's just out of my character to think otherwise. Sure there have been situations, especially this year, that have caused my lungs the deflate and wait for my mind to figure out exactly what is going on. But in the end, I'm not sure if it's a flaw but I seem to always put things into perspective. I seem to be surrounded by people who take things really serious. I think it's dragging me down.

I just wanna' be. Experience, have fun, no strings attached, live.

Why take things so serious? Sure, stuff happens, sure it may seem like the worst thing ever, but you know that it's not.

So if you hope for me to appreciate how incredulously bad or good your situation, sorry I can't empathize, it's just not my character.

Sure, there are things that I do take seriously, like my music with my band and with myself. But this seriousness, well it's different to the seriousness rising from problems that are radiating like pieces of shit, it's more the seriousness that rises from dedication and love for music. It's kind of like a scale. There has to be an equality of non-seriousocity and seriousocity. When you lose that balance, we lose the game. There needs to be enough seriousity to respect the music, and respect each other, but there needs to be enough non-seriousity to just have fun, not take anyone too seriously, and not to over-think.

Woah too many seriouses.

We live in the moment, as a friend of mine said the other day. I think it's important to do so, and not bear the consequences and implications of doing so on your own shoulders too much. Who are we to blame, once we tie ourselves down with emotional commitment to things that don't even exist, we are going to be the ones who lag behind the pack.

Oh and take life easily, because chances are, it's doing the same for you.

I miss the times, last year:

> Singing Thousand Miles by Venessa Carlton with Xav in maths class.

> Talking to Tan about girls and music and interrelating the two.

> Making sexy faces to Hai at band practice.

> Eddy screaming my name from across the school

> Simon giving me that look that says: "did you really just say that joke?"

> Making nerdy jokes with my sister in an Indian restaurant

> Having full conversations that just consist of analogies and inside jokes with Dames.

> Teaching Ishwar how to pick up girls, even though I am so hopeless at it.

THESE are the moments that define a year, define me. I hope this year will be the same.

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by us standing in our own sunshine."

-Banu.

yes, back again I am.

It's been a good 6 weeks since my last post, now don't go quote me on that because I'm not entirely sure. But it's been pretty wild.

I mean really wild.

Exams are coming up and the end of the year is kind of upon us, so I thought may as well think things through now eh?

I just wanted to start this post by introducing you to this cool tree in front of the Japanese House at Monash University. It's quite large, and it towers over the car-park I walked through almost the whole of this year. I never gave it much attention except when it changed. From green to brown, from brown to empty and back to green. It was kind of really cool, watching it change, over and over. And every time it changed it was like a little marker, like I could kind of remember what position I was last time it changed.

You know the feeling when your walking on a long track, and then you look back and your surprised with how far you have come? That feeling overwhelmed me nearly every single time. But something did kind of hit me then, that when you look back over a certain time, you don't remember everyday, which is kind of scary.

I guess you only remember the significant days you have. Theres no point in remembering what you had for breakfast 3 months ago, right?

Let's put it this way, the significant days you have, being the most memorable, make a noticeable impact on you in some way. And these are the days that when you see that tree change, that flash before your eyes when you look back.

I can kind of say, we measure ourselves in significant days.

So let me take you back, say 6 weeks. It was the first week of the holidays, and I had one of the guys from the band over, and we were jamming, all well and good. We had a gig lined up for the next night and we were pumped for band prac the next day.

It was a pretty awesome feeling.

We slept late as usual, putting down our guitars, and woke up a couple of hours before band practice started. Had lunch, cleaned out the garage and waited for the rest of our people to come. After that, we had a massive practice, writing basically one full song. Which is an awesome song by the way. Anyway, night came and we got into the van and got driven to the Venue. It's was a pretty average gig, the crowd were really flat but our little 'risk tonight following' came and made it worthwhile.

So we played our music, which is the most satisfying feeling.

Well, getting to the point, I remember being in the car on the way back and thinking to myself:

'I could do this for the rest of my life.'

So in saying that, it was a significant day.

In the days that followed I was incredibly overwhelmed with that feeling, the feeling of determination or even accomplishment. It provided a little snapshot of how I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life, and for that reason it was significant.

So looking at the tree, first week of school, it's like everything flashed before me, and it was kind of a consolidation, of a little part of me.

That was really important,

"I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go."

-Banu.

As always, I'll introduce by saying that it's been a while. I think I have already explained why its always 'a while' when it comes to me.

It's been a tough couple of weeks, lots of assignments and SACs, so haven't really got the time to really vent out my thoughts. In saying that, it hasn't been a bad couple of weeks, its been alright. Well, it was just basically a blur of homework.

Right now, I feel like really grounded. I had a shower and I decided to go through all the old photographs that take refuge in my living room while listening to some blues. It just feels good to look out to old photos. It provides a snapshot into how life was then, and you can really see how much you've grown, how much you miss your cousins and how much you miss those days. Sometimes its really overwhelming.

Humans have a tendency to look into their past. I mean, where-ever you are in life, if you are 10 years old, or 83, looking back on whats been always deems a task of recollection, of remembering those lost memories.

Don't think of me as some old guy, at the end of his life looking back on whats been, but it feels right to think about yourself.

Thinking about yourself is the only way we really confirm our identity, I think it's safe to say I'm in the process of still figuring it out, probably why adolescence is such an interesting time, so looking back on photos helps me remember forgotten stories that are pretty significant to me.

It's kind of really important to remember where you come from and how you got to the point where you sit now, photographs in that way help contrast.

When I look at my photos, it's really hard to believe that I'm looking at a little child who is me, or who was me, 8 or 10 years ago. Or when looking back on parties with my friends, it's alarming to see how much have changed or grown apart or even stayed the same. It's really important to remember others, as they would have changed you, maybe in a really small way, but your experiences shape who you are.

Next time you get to sit down with some old photo albums, take it, you'll find that you'll learn more about your parents, your family, your crazy uncle and in the end, more about yourself.

'It's just another story caught up in another photograph I found.
And it seems like another person lived that life a great many years ago from now,' - Jamie Cullum

-Banu

Hey all,

Once again, it has been a while. I should post in smaller intervals, but I guess it gives me some time to accumulate thoughts.

Well, I've been ohkay I guess. You know how it is; go to school, come home, study, listen and play some music and sleep. But it's leaving a little gap somewhere, like a little crack in the surface. I have no idea what it is, but it's lingering presence is daunting.

It's so hard to put it into words. I get the feeling it may just be my imagination once again, because that really leads me into some weird places.

There's some things I'm not willing to accept. It's not like I'm unhappy, I'm a pretty cheery guy, as most of you should know, but I guess, rather, it's like a little thing on my shoulders.

Lingering.

Right now, I'm listening to some really nice jazz, in a quiet melancholy, I'm guessing my parents went to sleep, because I can't hear much else.

We create this little sphere for our own lives don't we? Us teenagers.

The only thing that matters, right now, is us, we are the center of the universe.

We know everything.

Blank pages, waiting to be written.

I guess this feeling comes from the waiting.

It's a little snickering thing isn't it? Life I mean. It has it's only little path for you, its quite a niche thing. I love it. I love the uncertainty. It's exhilarating.

But I guess it could be broken up into three little actions.

You got your destination eh? Lets call it the cause, scrap that let's call it the reason.

Then you got your path, to the reason.

After all of this, you have your way of seeing the path and destination, your take on things, your view, your perception.

Let's call this the reaction, okay?

These three sections, are often really scattered, I feel, not everyone grasps all three factors firmly, some not having any reason but having the path and too much reaction. Some having the reason no path and little reaction, blinded by the reason.

The craziest thing, I feel quite comfortable, treading on this little fate, leaving a trail.

But then there is my reaction, it's not completely satisfied sometimes. As much as I hate that small emptiness, I am completely loving the search, really savoring it.

Ah, man.

Deceptive little thing.

"Maybe I'll just fall in love, that could solve it all, philosophers say that's not enough. There must be more. But I'm still having fun, and thats the key."

-Shazz, loving every second.

well, wow. Its been ages since I last posted eh?

here I am now.

Holidays.

Hm.

I guess its rolling down now, coming down to the last couple of days where I shall start singing those Back to School Blues.

But anyway, it's been a good couple of weeks.

After such a hectic and tough first semester of crazy and robust studying, I really needed the break. I really felt like I did give it all I had.

I was tired.

I needed rest.

I needed to live again.

I needed to confirm my existence again.

Epic, I know.

As epic as it seems, I think I fulfilled these elaborate tasks by simple things.

For once, just doing nothing, felt like doing so much.

Hours of just lying around the house with my Guitars, making music, scrapping the piece that I worked on for the last 4 hours and starting all over again.
I love that I have that freedom with my music. I never feel bound. Maybe I'll talk about that another day.

Another thing that I did alot over these holidays is jam.

Oh Jamming for the first time after ages is like almost as good as the first time having sex all over again. Not that I know how that feels but I imagine a similar part of my mind is used for sexual pleasure that's used for my musical side.

ANAYWAYYS.

Jams with the guys are so laid back. It starts about at 7 o clock at night.

I get the call:

"Hey Banu man, Jam my place in half an hour."

We get there, and just talk for the first couple of hours.

Feel the room.
Feel the vibe.

The stuff we talk about is not what we would normally talk about. Just the fact that we are going to be making some music later on, I don't know what it does but it motivates us to think and express things we normally wouldn't. I mean yeah, after all they are your mates but for once, you don't make jokes.

We talk about everything, from life to death, from friends to family.

and most importantly, music.

After this little stage I guess, we strap up, plug in and start.

And when it comes down to it.

Sometime you feel it in the room.

and Sometimes you just don't.

Thats the hardest thing to accept, that you are not going to feel it every time.

Boy I wish I could.

"What is feeling it you ask?"

"OH PLEASE TELL US BANU-CHAN!"

Well, basically it's like making love with music. I don't even know if its that, but I do feel something.

I think I'll explore this in more depth another day, but Hendrix summarized it nicely when he sang:

"Feeling sweet feeling,

Drops my fingers, fingers,

Music sweet music,

I wish I could caress and kiss you,"

Great song by the way.

But yeah. This holidays, I felt it.

Felt it like a hoe feels the money.

Felt it like virgin, cutting it for the very first time.

Felt it like a mammal, cus' baby lets do it like they do on the discovery channel.

After this, we sleep, often in the same bed, which isn't weird or anything.

Seriously it isn't.

People you play music with, know you better than most.

I know, I don't usually think of my jams with the guys in such depth, I mean it is really a laid back thing. And it comprises of a lot of sleeping, useless chord progression, hopeless attempts at writing songs and us just putting down the guitars and bass, and just talking again.

All in all, it's a really satisfying feeling.

And just getting a chance to with the guys many times this holidays was really fulfilling.

Call me a hopeless man, for believing in such things.

But I'd rather be a hopeless man who believes in life,

than a cold realist who lives in fear and anger.

"All I'm going to do is just go on and do what I feel."

Jimi Hendrix.

Over and out,

-Shazz.